Wonderland
by Personality Test
Summary: In which Kido has got to be dreaming, and all these people were off their rockers. AU. KanoKido if you squint.


She was definitely dreaming.

_Eh? Really? Why do you think so?_

"Because those trees over there are purple and the grass is blue," Kido answered matter-of-factly. "Wait, who is this!?"

_Catch on a little too late, now, did you?_ The voice answered gleefully. _Wait, lemme see the notes. Polite greeting…check. Compliment their appearance…oh, yeah. Nice dress, by the way. _

She looked down and, true to that voice's words, she was wearing a dress. A blue dress with an apron just like Mary's, plus thigh-high blue-and-white striped socks and blue Mary Janes shoes to boot. "What the hell are these?"

_Clothes, 'course, _the voice answered. You _aren't blind, are you? Shame – your eyes are really pretty._

"I'm not blind, you dunce," she grumbled. "I mean, why the hell am I wearing these?"

_Because I'm a gentlecat, I'll refrain from noting that you have a foul mouth. And why wouldn't you be wearing these?_

"Because I don't wear dresses!"

_But you're wearing one now,_ The voice pointed out.

"But I…ugh, never mind. How do I get out of here?"

_Get out of where?_

"Here!" Kido stomped her foot impatiently. "Whatever this freaky place is! I mean, normal trees aren't purple and normal grass isn't blue – aren't they all green?"

_Really? This place you want to return to sounds boring. Who would want green grass and green leaves?_

Kido'd wanted to retort 'normal people', but even she could see that there was no reasoning with this freaky voice. He – she decided to call it a 'he' – was completely cuckoo.

Before any of them had a chance to say anything, however, a streak of red flashed by, knocking Kido flat to the ground. She decided to ignore the disembodied voice's muffled laughter.

"Outta the way!" The red streak grumbled, and Kido recognized it to be the older Kisaragi's voice. "I'm late, dammit!"

"What a rude person…" she muttered, dusting off her overly frilly dress. "Wait, is it just me or does he have _rabbit ears_?"

_So?_ The voice answered, a little confused by her flabbergasted tone. _Isn't it normal?_ Again, Kido refrained from noting that his standards of 'normal' completely flew over her head and vice versa. There was just no use arguing with crazies.

"Anyway, how can I leave this place?" She decided to move the conversation to a less perplexing subject. "And your voice sounds disturbingly familiar and way too aggravating. Do I know you?"

_Eeh…how mean~_ He complained_. I dunno why you'd want to leave, but sure, you can always ask the Queen. She's, like, the Head Cheese. She knows stuff._

"And does she know how to send me home?"

_She knows stuff. _The voice repeated as if it were obvious.

…Gods, Kido would go insane by the time she was through with this mess.

* * *

><p>Forget that disembodied voice – everyone in this place was off their rockers.<p>

_"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" _A shriek approximately 127dB echoed in the dark forest, scaring off any poor animals in the area. Kido felt like her ears would explode, and even the voice gagged at the ear-splitting sound.

"What _was_ that?" She tried to regain her bearings – which wasn't an easy thing to do in a forest at night. "It sounded like a strangled cat put on speaker."

_…You're off your rocker, lady._ The voice decided after a full minute. _FYI, a strangled cat does _not_ sound like that. Not even on speaker._

"And how would you know that?" Kido raised an eyebrow.

_…Some people aren't very fond of me. Others… _He shuddered. _They like to think I'm huggable. _

"Gods, Hattie," a female voice complained a little ways down the road. "You could've just woken us up the normal way – you know, the customary bucket of cold water. No need to be rude."

"C'mon, I'm the Mad Hatter! With a capital M! And H!" Another female voice, the one who'd just shrieked her ears off, retorted. Kido thought the declaration was rather superfluous. "That's, like, what mad people do, right?"

"Huh?" A new voice joined them, one that was definitely Mary's and sounded like the she'd just been woken up by the girl's scream. "Yeah. Probably."

"See? Even Dormouse thinks so!"

Kido bat aside the annoying blue foliage – she thought she heard a strangled yelp somewhere – and came face to face with a huge clearing. Blue-haired Ene, the 'Mad Hatter' was squabbling with Momo, whose gray fur was sticking up like she had just been tazed. In the middle of the two sat Mary, happily munching on a cookie while her Mickey Mouse-esque ears squirmed like mad at the two girls' screaming match.

…This day, she decided, could not get any worse.

And then Kido stepped on a broken twig, and she decided never to trust the universe again.

All activity in the clearing ceased, and the three loons' eyes were fixed on her. Actually, there were only Momo and Ene's eyes. Mary had probably decided that the cookie was ten times more interesting than her, and had gone back to pigging out on the jar.

"Oh. Hi there," Ene floated – _floated_ – down the long table and landed in front of Kido. "Pop quiz! Why did the rabbit cross the road?"

"Uh…what?"

"Are you deaf?" She babbled on. "A shame. Well, since you're deaf anyway – your dress doesn't really suit you, you'd look way better in a jersey and you need a crash course in makeup. Toodles~!"

_She's the Mad Hatter,_ the voice unhelpfully supplied. _March Hare's fashion senses got to her, so she tends to be a bit…quirky. Not as quirky as you, though. You're as pretty as you're crazy. _She thought the same could be said about him – minus the 'pretty' part. He was just as annoying as he was crazy.

"Wait!" Kido called. "Do any of you know where the Queen is?"

"The Head Cheese?" Momo piped up. "She's in the garden. Right, Hattie?" Ene nodded enthusiastically.

"Er, and where is the garden?" She was really starting to lose her patience with these two idiots.

"It's in the castle, of course!" Momo answered as if it were obvious. Ene nodded so vigorously Kido was surprised her head didn't fall off.

_Told you they're loons. _The voice told her gleefully.

"Shut up." She told him.

"Excuse you!" Ene pouted, and it was Momo's turn to nod her head off. "How rude! And to think we only wanted to help you!"

"No, I wasn't talking to you, I –"

"Oh my god!" Ene exclaimed, taking a step back. "Are you talking to yourself? Right? Oh my god, March Hare, she's crazy!"

…She really needed to re-examine her life.

Kido spent a full minute weighing her options. True to the voice's words, these three costumed people were obviously nut jobs. She'd rather not stay here any longer, not when she still had household chores and her own crew of idiots to take care of.

"Yes, I'm crazy," Kido decided to just go with it. "And, say, if I want to see the Queen…?"

"Oh em gee – mmmhff!" Before Ene could finish her sentence, Momo quickly gagged her with a napkin.

"She admits she's crazy!" Momo whispered, to which Ene furiously nodded. "And before you know it it'll spread to us and then we'll be crazy too! Let's just get her to the Queen and be done with it!"

Kido wanted to point out that 1. They were already off their rockers enough without_ her_ crazy infecting them, and 2. Did they call that whispering? She could hear them a mile away. _Got it, but tone down the sarcasm, sweetheart. Your face looks prettier when you aren't glaring at people._ Apparently the voice agreed...although that last part was completely unnecessary.

"Okay!" Momo clapped sharply and searched around the teacups. "We'll tell you which way to go! Lessee…Mousey, where's the riddle? …Dormouse, wake up!"

"Eek! I'm sorry, I'm sorry! What…?" The girl woke up with a shriek.

"Never mind, found it!" Momo procured a piece of parchment out of a teapot. "Now…" she took a deep breath. "Why did the rabbit cross the road?"

_Ooh, that's a good one._ The voice snickered.

"Rabbit?" Kido's reaction was slightly less delighted. "You mean Shintaro? Why did he cross the road? He doesn't even want to leave his room."

"I don't know. Why?" Momo wondered. "It's a standardized test. You don't argue with standardized tests."

_To see the Queen, of course. _Apparently tired of waiting, the voice mumbled. _That's, like, the easiest question ever. Then again, you're crazy. _

"To see the Queen." Kido was better off following this voice. He didn't want to push her to her death…yet. "Is it the answer?"

"Eeh," Momo stuck out her tongue and held up the _blank_ piece of parchment. "Dunno. No answer. It's as good as could be expected from a crazy one, though. C'mon, Hattie, Dormouse!"

As if on cue, Ene leaped from her seat and floated to the farther end of the clearing. With a snap of her fingers, the trees cleared and a winding blue road appeared where she stood. Momo lugged the still-sleepy Mary next to Ene, and each of them snapped their fingers. Two other paths – orange and white – immediately appeared.

"Pick a card, any card!" Ene happily cheered and whispered to Momo. "It's 'card', right?"

"Totally." The orange-haired girl whispered back.

* * *

><p>"Okay, so who's next?" She asked the voice.<p>

_You sound resigned._ He noted.

"I'm getting used to it."

_Since you chose the orange road…_ He said_. You'll find the Caterpillar. The white road leads you to the White Knight. Blue road has the twins. _

"Okay, so which road leads to the Queen?"

_All three of them, and none at all. You gotta visit all three. It says so in the brochure. _Kido so desperately wanted to ask where the hell that brochure was, but decided she was better off not asking. _Like, you gotta beat the Elite Four before you get to the Champion. It's kinda like that. _

"So…I'm going to have to fight a fat old caterpillar now?"

"Hey! Who are you calling fat and old?" An annoyed voice sounded from right above her. Wait, wasn't that…

"_Hibiya!?_"

"Hibiya who?" The young boy muttered sullenly, occasionally fixing his oversized top hat. "I'm the Caterpillar. So you want to see the Queen?"

"Did I tell you –"

_He's the Caterpillar._ The voice answered. _He knows stuff. Not as much as the Queen, but he knows stuff._

"Is that the creepy uncle?" Hibiya suddenly spoke up, looking at an indefinite spot above her. "Hey, Chessur. Considering her expression, you didn't give her the brochure, did you?"

_Nope. _'Chessur', as Hibiya called him, had the audacity to gloat. _It makes it more fun. _

"You and your tricks, Chessur," Hibiya smirked. "Might I remind you what the Queen did to you last time?"

Chessur shuddered and stayed quiet – the Queen must've done a real number on him.

"Okay, so since you're here, you gotta do something for me. That's how it works," Hibiya plopped down on a mushroom five times his height and smoothed out his gray tailcoat. "And then you can proceed to the others – namely, the Knight and the twins. Each of us will give you a part of the real path to the Queen's castle after you've completed our respective quests. You got all that?"

"How come Shintaro – I mean, that rabbit – doesn't have to go the roundabout way? He skipped straight through the Mad Hatter's table!" She complained. Hibiya just looked amused.

"He doesn't need an invitation," And he had that smirk on, one that told her there was something she didn't know about the 'invitation'. "You do."

_Yeah, just ask the Caterpillar what he wants._ Chessur's voice was just as gleeful. _You'll get why the White Rabbit doesn't need an invitation. _

"What I want is simple," Hibiya retrieved a razor-sharp katana from behind the mushroom and pointed it at her. Kido tensed and prepared for a fight. Chessur, for once, shut his obnoxious mouth and held his breath in waiting. The brunette took a deep breath and continued in a serious tone –

"Teach me how to be cool."

…Kido wondered if it would be appropriate to burst out laughing.

* * *

><p>"And you're positive I can woo her with this?" The young boy waved the sword around in excitement. Kido felt horrible lying to the kid, but oh well. The sooner she could get out of this place, the better. "<em>Positive<em> positive?"

One look at the boy's sparkling eyes, and Kido promised herself she'd bake a huge chocolate cake for the real Hibiya when she got out of here – he was just that desperate and she felt way too guilty.

"Positive," she confirmed. Chessur was trying to muffle his laughter.

"Okay. Here's your key," the boy tossed her a bright orange key. "You won't be able to lose it. Thanks for the help, and good luck with the other two!"

_I think you're a psychopath,_ Chessur remarked once they were safely out of the boy's earshot. _Cute, psycho, and have no qualms about lying to children. _

She ignored him. "Okay, so I have to visit the other two anyway. Who is the better choice?"

_Hmm…_ He contemplated this for a moment. _I'd say the White Knight. But hey, why would you care? You have to visit the other two anyway. _

"White Knight it is, then." She replied and walked down the white-painted path.

"Oh, hi," A guy in a white armor – who she recognized to be Seto – greeted her just as she reached the end of the road. He looked a little distracted, especially as he was trying to balance a mountain of cardboard boxes and packages on his hands. "I'd love to talk to you, but I don't have time. Do you mind?"

"Uh…what?"

_He means if you minded him reading your mind._ Chessur explained at her flabbergasted glance. _He doesn't have time since he's running royal errands and juggling six part-time jobs at once. _

"Wait, he can read minds?" She exclaimed, which startled Seto for a moment.

"Is it Chess? Hey, Chess, how are you doing?" He called. "You haven't been around for a while. Nee-chan misses you."

_Really? She does? I gotta visit her some time after this. Well, I'm accompanying this girl to the castle anyway, so it's a win-win._

"Okay then." Seto – the White Knight – was a rather chill guy. He was probably the sanest person in this asylum. "Sorry for the intrusion. …Huh, I get it. You want to get to the castle, and you need a key. Well, I have another part-time job after this at the local bar. It's mainly just cooking and mixing drinks, and I know you can cook. I'd be really grateful if you can help me out."

After Seto had left in a hurry to finish his jobs, Kido started to head for the local bar. "He gets to read peoples' minds? That sounds like a bum deal."

_Huh, why?_ Chessur wondered. _It isn't like anyone would think badly of other people here. Well, except that guy…but White Knight never goes near him at this time of year anyway. _

Huh. Strange. "Why does he have so many jobs anyway?"

_He's dating Dormouse. Remember the sleepy one with white hair at the tea party? That's her. She lives alone, and he's been trying to provide for her. _

"He's a pretty good guy." She remarked.

_He's dating someone else. _Chessur pointed out, sounding a little miffed.

"Who said anything about dating him?"

_…This conversation is over._

* * *

><p>"Two keys down, one to go," she examined her newly acquired white key. The White Knight was such a nice guy, too – he said if she wanted to she could always come back here and get a full-time job.<p>

_Yeah,_ Chessur said distractedly. _Though just to warn you…_

"Don't talk and eat at the same time."

_ C'mon, this mac 'n cheese is really good! How come you can cook so well?_

"I _said_…" she lowered her voice in a valiant attempt to sound threatening. It didn't quite work.

_Fine, fine,_ he replied exasperatedly, and the munching immediately stopped. _Sheesh._

Kido was about to scold him some more – because really, that kind of behavior would've earned her a month's worth of scorn in her old family, and even if there was no one to punish her anymore Kido still kept the habit. Before she could say anything, however –

"Hello," a sleepy voice said.

"Hello," another voice – the same, but slightly different – mirrored.

"I'm Tweedledee…" Konoha muttered.

"And I'm Tweedledum." Kuroha continued.

_Here we go again. Creepy twins, at your service. _She had a feeling Chessur rolled his eyes. _Oh, do try not to make eye contact with Tweedledumbass. I'd hate to see a pretty face like yours get thrown off the nearest cliff. _

"You sound strangely hostile…" Kido noted, but she followed his advice anyway. If Tweedledum-Kuroha really was like the real Kuroha, he really would throw her off a cliff with a grin on his face.

"Is that the Cheshire Cat?" Tweedledum laughed. "Came back, did you, kitty? Cats really do have nine lives. I'll gladly kill you again."

Despite all his snide remarks and bravado, Kido thought she could hear Kano – the Cheshire Cat – swallow a lump in his throat. Then, Tweedledum really did…?

"Okay, there will be no killing here," Kido told the twins with a withering glare. Kuroha glared back. Konoha shrunk a little timidly. "Just tell me what you want so I can get out of here."

"I want to have friends…" Konoha suddenly spoke up.

"I want to kill his friends." Followed immediately by Kuroha.

_That's rather cruel even for him._ Chessur noted blandly. _Oh, wait, he shot me in the head. Nothing is too cruel for him. _

"He shot you in the head!?" Her expression distorted into one of horror. Kuroha just smirked.

_Well, I'm not dead now,_ Chessur grumbled. _Thank the Queen for my illusionary powers._

"Okay, all of you, shut up," Kido decided. With Kuroha, this raised the stakes. She wouldn't have Chessur die if she could help it. "I need a moment."

_No need. _A shadow jumped down in front of her. A black cat with grey-dotted fur...that looked remarkably like Kano in his cat form.

"Wait, K- I mean, Chessur! Step back!"

His ears perked up at his name, but otherwise Chessur didn't move. He and Kuroha were engaged in a glaring contest, neither one wanting to back down.

A moment later, Kuroha – the Tweedledum version – withdrew a gun from his pocket. Kido snatched Chessur in her arms and took a step back, but the black-haired man wasn't looking at her. He was shooting at something above, laughing maniacally at the sky above them. Tweedledee stepped sleepily to the right, perfectly out of his twin's blast radius.

…That settled it. She was officially dreaming.

Chessur turned to face her, and the first thing Kido noticed were his red eyes.

"What did you do, Chessur?"

"Illusion – works every time. Now, let's see how we can wheedle that key out of Tweedledee…" he muttered, trying to wiggle out of her hold.

"I doubt that'll be necessary." A female voice spoke right behind her, and Kido tightened her hold on the poor cat in her arms. He started gagging like he'd just choked on a hairball.

"Can't…breathe…" he managed. "Help…" Her hold loosened and Chessur breathed out in relief, directing a baleful, half-hearted glare at her.

"Huh, you're right," Despite herself, Kido noted with a hint of sadistic triumph. "Strangled cats don't sound like that after all."

* * *

><p>"En – I mean, Mad Hatter? Why are you here?"<p>

Ene fixed her lopsided top hat and glared at the twins, her eyes completely devoid of that craziness Kido'd seen earlier. "Chessur, shut off your illusion."

"But –" he hesitated.

"Do it!" The red in Chessur's eyes dissipated. Tweedledum's contemptuous eyes were once again focused on them.

"You've had your time lounging around, Tweedledum," she commanded in a cold voice. "Enough is enough. Give him back."

"Never!" Kuroha yelled. "Don't you dare!"

"Tweedledee," This time, Ene addressed the woozy twin. "Do you recognize my voice?"

He slowly nodded. Kuroha's eyes widened.

"I need him back, just for a little while," she continued. Kuroha charged, but Chessur's eyes flashed red once again, and his golden eyes glazed over. "Do you think you can do that for me?"

He nodded again with determined eyes. The next thing she knew, Konoha pushed Kuroha off the cliff and jumped off himself.

"What – What was that!?" She nearly strangled the cat again in shock, only letting him go when he started gagging. "Why did they –"

Silence. Everyone kept looking at the cliff, as if expecting something to happen.

"Oww…" A new figure emerged from the cliff, looking disheveled and sleepy but none the worse for wear. "It still hurts…oh, hi, Hattie! Cheshire is here, too?"

"Knave," Ene said, her voice a little bit more cheerful than before. "You're back. N-not that I want you back or anything! I'm just making an observation…"

The Knave didn't listen – instead, he quickly enveloped Hatter in a bear hug. "I missed you, Hattie."

Hatter looked like she was hyperventilating. She blushed bright red, looking as if she wanted to both push him back off that cliff and hug him at the same time.

"…I missed you too." She mumbled.

_The Knave of Hearts is kinda split like that._ Chessur had disappeared from her arms and went back to speaking invisibly. _No matter what we do, as long as he falls asleep he splits into the twins. Since it seems too cruel to delete Tweedledee and Tweedledum doesn't do much damage anyway – he'd keep his murderous tendencies to himself if he knew what was good for him – we let the twins have half a year to themselves. The Knave stays for the other half. Hattie was miffed at the beginning, but she seems pretty okay with it now. _

"Tell that rabbit I finished my end of the deal, kitty," realizing that she still had an audience, Hatter immediately wiggled out of the Knave's glomp. "The Queen is worried about you. That rabbit knows you're traveling with this girl, so he sent me to tell you to hurry your ass up."

_…Okay, he gets some respect from me. Just a tiny little bit. _He grudgingly conceded.

"Oh, right," The Knave of Hearts turned to her. "You want to see the Queen, do you? News travel fast here," he explained at Kido's flabbergasted look. "Here. Your final key."

He handed her a blue key. Kido fully expected a door to appear out of nowhere with a bang, maybe swirl into existence or crash in front of her shooting glitter and confetti in her face.

Nothing happened.

_Well, what are you staring off into space like that for? _Chessur called. _C'mon! We're off to see the Queen!_

"Wait," the Knave tilted his head in confusion. "Why is she collecting keys to begin with? Couldn't you just have gotten her in the castle with your key card, Cheshire?"

"He has a key card!?" Kido really wished she could strangle him again.

_Spoiler alert, Knave, damn you! _Chessur complained. _Where's the fun in letting her in with the key card?_

"It saves the trouble…" His cheerful voice petered off at Kido's furious glare.

"I swear to god, Chessur, one of these days I'm going to make you into _shoes_._" _

"That's the spirit!" Mad Hatter cheerfully patted her shoulder, slipping back into her delusional persona. "You're well on your way to being mad!"

* * *

><p>She landed flat on her ass on the ground.<p>

"Couldn't you have brought me here a little gentler?" She complained, dusting off her dress for the second time of the day. "Pushing me down that hole was completely unnecessary."

_Eh, who cares about necessary?_ He snickered. _It's super fun!_

"To you, probably…" Kido grumbled. Chessur's tone had gone back to the devil-may-care happy-go-lucky attitude, and she found that tone so much nicer than the serious tone he used when fighting with Tweedledum.

She'd much prefer it if he stayed that way.

"Okay, so where's the Queen?"

_Somewhere over the rainbow, probably?_

"Dammit, Chessur, seriously. It's like 4pm and I need to go home. I've got laundry to do and dinner to cook. Get on with it." Was what she said, but in truth Kido didn't even mind that much anymore. She'd gotten used to him.

_Fine, grumpy. She's in the garden. _

And that was where Kido headed. Just as she was about to step through the gates of the garden, however, a whirlwind of red streaked past her.

"Outta the way!" Shintaro Kisaragi AKA The White Rabbit hollered as he ran past. "I'm late!"

_Ugh, not him again._ Chessur complained sullenly.

"How the hell is he so slow? I thought he had a head start on us!"

_He runs about as fast as a slug. Takes breaks every five minutes, too. _Chessur suddenly materialized on her shoulder. "What a jerk."

"Did he jam a gun at your forehead or something?" That was a strangely bitter tone for someone who was not Tweedledum.

"Ha, I wish. No, what he did was even worse. See –"

"You're back!" A chipper female voice – Ayano-neechan's – cheered. "I missed you!"

"Is that –" God – Kido never thought she could hear Ayano-neechan's voice ever again. If only this wasn't a dream…

"The Red Queen. Yup," Chessur confirmed. "Also my sister, hence why I hate the White Rabbit so much."

"…Because?" Those two didn't seem to be connected. Sure, he was Kisaragi Shintaro, but he was still a rabbit in this world. What did the White Rabbit have to do with the Red Queen?

"Because," Chessur scoffed. "He's also the Red King."

"…Huh." Offhandedly, Kido had to wonder how this kingdom survived under that guy's ruling. Knowing Kisaragi, he couldn't control a computer program much less a whole country.

…Then again, with all the nutjobs running rampant around the place, who was to say this kingdom survived at all?

* * *

><p>"Here we are, sweetie. The Looking-Glass." Ayano – Kido couldn't bear to think of her as the Red Queen – stopped short in front of a huge body mirror, mounted on the wall of a completely empty room.<p>

_It's dangerous, see._ Chessur explained. _A portal to another world is hard to come by._

"Well, technically it's another world," Ayano smiled. "But, actually, it's only a dream. As a matter of fact, someone could pinch you right here, right now and you will wake up in your world. Similarly, if you pass out, you will still wake up in the real world."

She glared at the smoky cat on her shoulder. "I suppose you knew this from the beginning?"

He nodded with a smirk. _It's fun._

"Time to go back," Ayano smiled and nudged Shintaro, who was now dressed in much more formal clothes – albeit still with rabbit ears and a grumpy expression. "Be nice and come say goodbye."

Chessur growled.

"Be nice, Chess," Ayano chided.

"Yeah, be nice," the White Rabbit – Red King, whatever – snickered. "Or you'll get glomped next time, and it won't be pretty."

Chessur's fur stuck up in agitation. _You little –_

"Boys!" Ayano clapped her hands sharply. "We have a guest here. Manners."

The two males snapped back to their straight posture without another word. What a bunch of wimps, although she had to admit Ayano had a really scary smile when she was angry.

_"…Foooound you."_

Chills ran down Kido's spine. Her eyes snapped to the red double doors where Kuroha stood triumphantly, lugging an unconscious Mad Hatter on his shoulders.

Chessur vanished from her shoulders and hid behind her hair. Ayano took a step back in front of the mirror. Shintaro jumped forward, acting as a human shield between Ayano and Kuroha.

"Finally, I regained control," he grinned, dropping Hatter to the ground with a loud thud. "And you two, the ones who sealed me…I'll have my revenge."

"What the hell did you do this time, cat!?" Shintaro yelled as he started dodging Kuroha's bullets. "He was supposed to be sufficiently controlled this time of the year!"

"I had to get the key for her!" Chessur yelled back.

"Where are the guards?" Red flashes of light – magic, whatever kind it was – flickered in the air as Shintaro tried to slow Kuroha down. "And you, cat; what the hell was your key card for then, you good-for-nothing!?"

"I second that!" Kido yelled, trying not to trip on her frilly dress. "And don't tell me it was fun, because this definitely isn't!"

"It really was fun!" He protested, clinging to her hair for dear life.

"_Chess!_" Ayano scolded, but she wasn't paying attention – she was too busy protecting the mirror.

Was that mirror really so important…?

"Argh!" A bullet grazed Shintaro's throat, and he fell to the ground. Chessur jumped down from her shoulders and prepared for a fight.

"No…!"

Just as Chessur was about to lunge at Tweedledum, the door clicked open. "Hey, guys, is there anything wrong? It seems a little noisy in here…huh?" The White Knight barely avoided a bullet directed at his forehead.

"Is Tweedledum berserk again?" He, too, joined the fight, batting aside bullets with his rapier. "Chess, what did you do this time?"

_This is so unfair!_ Chessur had once again disappeared from where he stood and went back to her shoulder._ Why is it always my fault?_

"I'm sorry, isn't everything?" The Red King choked out. Kido was obligated to agree.

"Dormouse!? Dormouse, where are you?" The Knight yelled. "We kinda need a little help here!"

Even as she was creeping behind Kuroha for a surprise attack, Kido paused. Why would he call for Dormouse to help? What could Dormouse-Mary , weak as she was, do? If even the Red King and White Knight couldn't do anything -

"Huuh…what is it?" Said girl peeked into the room, looking as sleepy as ever, and stepped on Hatter's prone body." Eeeh, Hattie, why're you sleeping here? This is Red-chan's castle!"

"Dormouse!"

"Eeh? Tweedledum? Why are you –"

She didn't have time to finish the question. Tweedledum's final shot hit the Knight's arm, and he collapsed to the floor. Tweedledum closed his hands around his throat, and –

_"Stop." _The Knight fell to the ground. Tweedledum stood still as a statue, and Dormouse's eyes glowed bright red.

_"_Sleep."She commanded in a clear voice. Tweedledum immediately fell asleep; unfortunately, so did Dormouse. She plopped to the ground and curled up into a ball next to the White Knight, completely knocked out and using his arm as a pillow.

"It happened again, huh," Shintaro remarked. Now that the threat had been neutralized, the shield on the mirror disappeared; Ayano opened her eyes. "She still needs more training. I'll schedule a lesson at eight."

"Don't be so hard on her. She's only the White Queen in name - she's still a bit inexperienced." The Knight looked a bit groggy from his injuries, but he was still strong enough to carry Dormouse in one arm and lug Tweedledum on his back like a sack of potatoes. "Anyway, I should take them back. I'll see you guys next week."

The door closed behind him, shaking Kido out of her shock. "Huh? She's the White Queen?"

_You don't know?_ Chessur was surprised. _Oh, right, you didn't read the brochure. She's still living in her old home in the middle of the forest, she sleeps half the time and trips on her hair the other half, but sure. She's the White Queen."  
><em>

"Dammit, Chessur!" She growled.

"This is getting noisy..." The Red King grumbled, and before Kido knew it, her vision faded to black.

* * *

><p>Kido opened her eyes to the base's ceiling.<p>

"I'm back…" she muttered blearily. Someone had knocked her out – Tweedledum might have found a way to get back to the Looking-Glass room. Maybe the White Rabbit was just tired of their bickering and wanted to retreat to his comfortable silence. That sounded more plausible.

…That would be super rude of him, though. Shintaro was going to lose dessert privileges for the night.

"From where?" A new voice sounded from behind her, nearly making her jump up in surprise.

"Huh…Chessur?"

"What? Who's 'Chessur'?" Kano wanted to know. His voice…really was like Chessur's. As a matter of fact, even without a real human form, Chessur himself was a carbon copy of Kano – the only thing left that would make them more alike was…

"…birthday," she mumbled.

"What are you saying all of a sudden, Kido?" Kano asked.

"…I'm so going to get you cat ears for your birthday." Kido decided and walked off, leaving Kano gaping in her wake.

"…Eh?"

* * *

><p>AN: And the fangirls went wild xDD Nah, jk. Probably just me. As those who follow me (and bless you for that) might know, I did post a part of this once and took it down. Yeah, that was one of the lower points in my life. Moral of the story? I'm incredibly prone to deleting my fics if I feel that a. they aren't getting enough attention or b. leaving them there is a waste of effort because no one likes them. ...I have a complex.  
>Anyway, since I'm...a little bit better, I've decided to post the full version! Let's hope this one doesn't meet the same fate as the last...Remember to read and review!<p> 


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